Pen & Gen

Pen & Gen, originally uploaded by cecily7.

Sent from my mobile phone

august 1998

Session Start: Sat Aug 08 19:29:37 1998

weirdness

i called my grandparents

and my grandfather (mom’s dad) is good friends with my dad’s brother
so my grandfather asks me if there’s a problem between me and my uncle
and there has been for a long time
a really long time
and i’ve never understood it
when i was a kid, i was really precocious
so adults either loved me or hated me
i had lots of problems with teachers, etc… and i had teachers who loved me to death
anyway

i never had any problems with family except my uncle
and so it’s gone on for a long time
and it still goes on, because he hasn’t made any effort to get to know me as an adult
i never understood how he could hold such an ancient grudge against a child
i suspect that he thinks that i feel somehow “superior” to him
he always seems to be making efforts to take me down a notch
i don’t know
it blows my mind
i hate when people have preconceived notions that they will not let go of

i hate that he sees me in this strange way
i hate that he’s saying things to my grandparents about it
he’s fucked up, but it hurts my feelings anyway
the end

Session Close: Sat Aug 08 19:36:21 1998

A Texan’s First Mid-Atlantic Fall

A Texan’s First Mid-Atlantic Fall, originally uploaded by cecily7.

Sent from my mobile phone

Top 10 things about living in Baltimore (from a newb’s perspective)

1. The weather is not as hot as Austin.

2. It’s a bigger and older city, so it has lots of interesting architecture and more to explore.

3. You can drive 2 hours or less in any given direction and arrive in some very exciting places to visit, including Washington DC and New York City.

4. The berries are amazing. Better than any I’ve had in the south.

5. The people are overall very nice.

6. Sam has a much better job, much better insurance, and makes more money.

7. We live in an old house with a lot more charm and character than our house in Austin.

8. It’s pretty cool being able to really explore and discover a new city; not like when you’re just visiting and you only have X number of days to check it out.

9. There are a lot of museums, and most of them are free!

10. Our neighbors are amazing people, the kind you sense will become lifelong friends.

Still adjusting

Wishing I would write here more.  I feel so much pressure for the blog posts to be “good.” I really need to get over that.  I just need an outlet.

The baby has been asleep about 30 minutes and Sam has gone for a quick walk down the street to pick up some food at the pasta bar on the Avenue. Nights after the baby goes to bed are hard for me because I start focusing inward and I can get sad.  I just fired off an email to our real estate agent in Austin.  Our house has been on the market just over 30 days and no offers.  I look at the MLS listing and all the gorgeous pictures and all I want to do is say “fuck this, I’m going home.” I still own that house… that big empty house with the perfect lawn, new roof, and new fence.  The house that backs up to a park and has little flowers in little beds all around.  The one with a big garage and driveway and plenty of room for all my junk.  The house where Sam and I spent three years pefecting the perfect Christmas lighting scheme that I never got around to properly photographing.

I really miss my house.  I really really miss it.  And I really miss my church and the choir.  We had it so good… and we spent years making that life.  We knew it would change when Genevieve arrived but not this much. I hope I never have to move again when I don’t want to.  I hope that from now on, a move will be a happy thing… an upgrade, a better house, a better life.  This is such a strange place to be, after striving and struggling to make our lives better and more comfortable, to be in this strange place, in this strange situation… we could have rented a nice place in “the county” but our rent would have been a lot more expensive.  Starting to wonder if it would have been worth it.

I really really miss my house.

Baltimorean

I moved to Baltimore, Maryland on June 20th.  Hopped a plane with my baby girl Genevieve and we were off… leaving Austin for the first time since my parents dragged me there, kicking and screaming, in June of 1988.  Twenty-one whole years later, and I was now leaving my “new” home reluctantly, to follow the hubby to a new town.

Our house in Austin

The last couple of weeks at our house in Austin were very hard.  The “make-ready” was commandeered by my mother-in-law, who is a force to be reckoned with, and I was left out of the loop on a lot of things that were happening in my home.  I sat upstairs, taking care of the baby, while so much change was brewing around me.  It was so difficult… to feel so out of control in your own home.  Sam and I both felt that we needed the help but it came at a huge price. Leaving our house and our town was so intense, almost like we were forced out.  We didn’t want to leave our house, or Austin, but we had to… there were no other options and had Sam turned down the job here in Maryland, it would have been foolish on many different levels.  There was simply no other choice.

I have been in Baltimore three weeks now, and I have to say that the first week was the most difficult.  I didn’t feel safe and I stayed home for the most part. Being home alone with the baby in a strange city was taxing because we hadn’t yet established any sort of routine yet. When Sam came home from work we would take the baby out in her stroller and explore the neighborhood.  We had walked around a bit on our previous trip to Baltimore in May, but I still didn’t have much of a concept of the area and these walks really helped me to get to know our spot in Baltimore.  We live in a neighborhood called Hampden, which is a really great place for people of our… shall I say demographic?  Whatever, we love it.  It took me that first week to feel comfortable (as in, not watching my back every second thinking I’m about to get mugged).  I didn’t realize how incredibly scared I was of moving to a new city.  I think the Forbes report that placed Baltimore ahead of New Orleans for “most dangerous cities in America” freaked me out a LOT.  I guess I never thought any city in America was crazier than New Orleans, so I was very concerned.  After the first week though, I mellowed out quite a bit.

Our house in Baltimore

We met our neighbors who live across the alley from us on one of my first days in Baltimore.  L told me that first night we met on The Avenue and walked down Hickory Street that there would be a period of time where I would just be in shock and think “what the hell did we do?!”  And yes, that was definitely my frame of mind the first few days… what the HELL were we thinking, moving all the way out here?  I can’t believe we brought all this stuff!  Holy crap!! It’s so overwhelming.  She reassured me that it will pass and we will settle in and enjoy the city.

From an email I sent Anne:

Here are some funny tidbits about my life here… I dress nicer here than in Austin.  Why? Because it is guaranteed that I will be seen during the day.  I will have to get my mail from the front doorstep (glass panes in the door) or go on the back porch to entertain Genevieve (neighbors across from me can all see me on my porch from inside or outside their houses). I don’t hang out in pajamas.  Perhaps that will pass but for now I am fully dressed and (usually) showered before I set foot outside. Knowing that you are seen can add to your sense of safety.  You know that your neighbors are aware of you.  You are part of a community that is very immersive, like a small town.  Everybody knows everybody (at least on your row) and there is soooo much excellent gossip!  Very entertaining.  I have met many people since I got here 2 weeks ago, many more than I did in my 3 years in our NW Austin suburb! There are merchants in the neighborhood too, so you get to know them first.  It’s excellent.  And today I did see Geoff from Ace of Cakes through the window of Cafe Hon.  He was with some fancy chick and they were both walking their dogs.  I was very excited.

on The Avenue in Hampden

We haven’t been yet but there are apparently some really excellent farmer’s markets on the weekends with fresh orchard fruits… cherries, etc.  There are arabbers in the streets of our neighborhood who pull donkey carts full of fruits and vegetables for sale.  There is a lot out there that I can’t be a part of because of my mom duties, but because I live so close to the main street of the neighborhood I have managed to venture out a little bit during the week to get coffee at Common Ground (the hipster coffee shop with no coffee menu or web site) with the baby in the sling, going in and getting out fast before she screams too much, and a couple other places.  G gets bored fast and she kinda hates the sling so I haven’t had much mobility.  Might need to try another sling.  The stroller is good but a lot of the shops have front steps (they’re former row homes) so it can be hard to use the stroller.

Soooo… so far it’s mostly good.  Sam and I have been slowly unpacking.  It has taken me a couple of weeks to find a groove with G and her nap schedule, but I think it’s mostly figured out and I should be able to maximize her naptimes for my organizing efforts. Our house is small but very well laid out and I think it will work nicely for us for a little while, while we get our bearings and see where we want to go next.

Napoleonville, LA

Napoleonville, LA, originally uploaded by cecily7.

I finally uploaded the smattering of photos I managed to shoot while in Louisiana last month. I didn’t do much work this time around, probably because pregnancy has stripped me of all desire to do anything but sit around and watch True Blood while eating grapes and being fanned by Paulo, my cabana boy.

Butterflies

A couple of weeks ago when I was in Louisiana I was wondering “why haven’t I felt the baby move yet?”  I was thinking I just didn’t know what it felt like so I was missing it.  Now, at 19 weeks, 5 days, I’m wondering why people say it feels like “butterflies” in your belly.  No way, dude!  I’ve got a little monkey in me!  I feel very definite tiny pokes against my insides.  I was expecting to feel this movement inside a big space but I’m definitely getting a feel for how tightly packed the baby is in there.  There’s a funny picture on the babycenter site of a baby all smushed up… this is how I picture the baby now.  Sorry baby!!  Sucks to be you!

Wednesday is my first ultrasound, and it’s THE ultrasound where I will get to find out whether I am having a girl or a boy.  My guess is that he’s a boy.  We’ll see what happens.  I will be sure to post the obligatory picture and I’m also hoping to make a small video of the experience… that’s all up to Sam, though.  He’ll have to be the documentarian this time.

On point of banality: tonight for dinner we’re having lemon chicken, Zatarain’s rice pilaf, and mixed veggies.  Sounds like typical school cafeteria fare, don’t it?

Bubbles

Tomorrow I am 19 weeks pregnant, and I think I have finally started to feel the baby move.  A couple of weeks ago I wasn’t sure what it felt like, so it was hard to know.  As late as last night I was telling a friend that I didn’t know if I had felt movement yet, but today I really paid attention and there have been a couple of times that I have felt something I am thinking must be the baby.  Next week, Sam and I will go for the 20 week ultrasound, and I’ll be able to see the baby move and then know for sure if what I’m feeling actually corresponds with movement.

Not to mention, we’ll find out if we’re having a girl or a boy.  I am soooo excited to know.

Rusty Blogger

Gah, I’m so rusty at the blogging.  I keep thinking of things I might blog about but I never get around to actually writing about them.  Here’s a short list of things I’ve thought about making entries about:

1) My amazing body pillow that I got last week. It has made my night-time setup SO much more simple!  I had about 8 pillows (this is not an exaggeration) that I would arrange and pile up and tug on every night trying to get comfortable, and now I have just the one glorious pillow with a little soft down pillow on top for my head.

2) My weirdness about people acknowledging my pregnancy. I kinda like the attention but I kinda don’t.  I guess the attention kinda weirds me out because it’s really hard to avoid the feeling that people will think (or already do think) that I’m somehow “different” because I’m going to have a baby.  I guess I am different, but I don’t even know how yet.  I guess the expectations and baggage and stereotypes can be a little overwhelming.

3) My trip to Thibodaux. I spent most of my time hanging out with Aunt Mamie (rather than on my own taking photos as in past visits), because I really had planned on this being my last trip before the baby was born.  We went to a riverboat casino and she kept saying “next time you come we’ll go to Cypress,” and I kept thinking “she really doesn’t realize that I’m not coming back for a long time…” I’m still not sure how I feel about not going back until my post-baby days.  It’s a long time for me, now that I’ve been going so regularly.

4) The Mozart Requiem. Sam and I are singing the Requiem with Musica Ecclesiae at St Mary’s next Saturday.  I feel so blessed to know my baby will hear Mozart in utero from the stage!  We don’t need no stinking headphones!